A story about an owl

Now, this has been kicking around the darker recesses of my noggin for quite a while now, so i think its about time i made a move with it....its quite possible by the time you have finished reading this you'll think i have totally flipped and will probably not want to talk to me ever again.....but here goes....

Owls

Now it is a fact, that i have and always will, found owls to be insanely funny. But i came across (not literally) a story about this new type of owl, sort of an owl GTI if you like, the eurasian eagle owl. This owl can grow up to three feet tall!! a three foot tall owl for fuck sake! now not only would this be funnny to see, wandering down the street with his sainsburys bag in one....(what would you call it, a hand or a wing or a claw??, anyway) and a bag of prawn cocktail crisps in the other, but imagine if it stopped and asked you for some change, if youre anything like me you'd probably shit your pants, not only because theres an owl who has clearly been doing grocery shopping, but because the bugger is also speaking to you in a threatening manner which would go something like this "Twit twoo, gimme a pound pal or ill peck yer face off..... got any mice??"

You can see an image of this owl here ;



Apparently one of these owls was let loose in the middle of Scotland, and it nicked some guys yorkshire terrier off the street in Perth and ate the bastard!!

Imagine the scenario, your on a night out, your happily bantering and minding your own business when someone knocks into you and spills your pint on your date. You swing round to give this prick some abuse when your confronted by nothing but fresh air...looking down slightly you spot a three foot owl with big fuck off red eyes glaring at you "Twit twooooo, what you gonna do about it pal" What are you supposed to do?? you can hardly melt the bastard in the face?? hes probably a endangered species or something...and besides, he's peck your eyes out given half a chance, then nick all the spare small game animals or yorkshire terriers you had on you to put in his freezer so he could have a decent nights sleep cos he didnt have to go out forraging that night.

In summary; Owls = Hilarious,

Myself = Completely lost it

Laters

New Years Shenannigans

In a move back to the old days here is a small review of this years new years festivities in Edinburgh.... weekend is back....for now

Ahh the new years festivities.... no doubt a mere hung over following on from the Christmas festivities for most of you...and also for myself.

This years new year binge drinking started on the 30th when my good self picked up a strangely tall looking Tall Paul from the bus stop in Perth and took him on a mini sight seeing trip round some of Perths' "Finer points". This extravaganza of architectural magnificence took in such high points as McDairmid park (Otherwise known as the "Theatre of dreams", "East stand moaners meeting place" and "Gods Country") but finally succumbed to the low points such as Perth Grammar School which apparently "Looks like a fucking prison"...not my words i hastent to add. Anyway, to cut a long paragraph short, we headed off to Edinburgh after stocking up on booze, myself buying beer, sourz and "Irish filth" and paul buying two crates of Tennants, a bottle of whisky and a bottle of port. May i add just now that he didnt drink the beer (every time we went to have a drink he would go out and buy magners, seems a bit daft to buy 48 tins of beer first though...), spilled the port all over my poker set and finally he did manage to drink some of his whisky.

Into El Capital

Once in the mighty 'Burgh, we descended upon a flat in the Brunstfield area of the town, hostess-es with the most-esses being Collesa, Claire Eimear and Lisa (and Darren part time). I should also add here that i did think Lisa might have been a little hesitant about letting Paul back into her flat as the last time he was there she walked in to find him lying flat out on the kitchen floor with a toastie machine, Iron and a microwave sitting on top of him, the microwave also having Mikeys head inside it trying to make a phonecall. (It wasnt just mikeys head trying to make the call) So we started drinking in the flat, where we were introduced to Claires American chap called Kyle, who turned out to be very good banter!. Unfortunately enough he did persuade a few of us to have some of his "Really Good" chewing tobacco.... if thats really good in the US then id really hate to taste something "Shit" there.... i thought i was about to "Shout Soup" after having the tobacco, but managed to keep my stomach biscuits in tact for a while longer.

Cant really remember all that much about the rest of the night,k probably due to me drinking some of that "Irish Filth" i was talking about earlier and the fact that i was getting tucked into my bottle of Grouse.

New Beers Eve

Once again we managed to wrangle our way into the flat in bruntsfiel for yet another party on new years eve, this time i decided to make some lovely shooters made from half sours and half irish filth baileys stuff. Now usually i would simply get someone else to drink it being the sneaky shitebag that i am but for some reason i decided to give it a go myself. This stuff really does taste like shite, and i was very close to "Yawning in Technicolour" after drinking/eating the contecnts of the glass.

Blank in memory...party....went off to Accies flat for another party. Got into Accies flat for another party, found the rest of our usual mob inside, started drinking some more and shouting at people in the street. Sarah decided to casually lob her mobile out of the window, only to realise what she had done about 0.00015 seconds after shed let go of it. This was greeted with "Jake!! go and get my fucking phone ive thrown it out of the window" While jake was en-route to the unfortunate lump of plastic, some bloke apparently tried to pick it up from the street, he was also met with a courteous "Could you pleae put that mobular telephone device down please sir as it is my own property and i have accidently tossed the silly beggar out of this first floor window".. which went more like "PUT THAT PHONE DOWN YOU BASTARD ITS MINE"

Me and Jake then had a little scuffle about a marker pen, then we all went outside for the street party where we danced about to Scottish music on the mound and watched some fireworks.

The End